Remember this guy from SNL, Jon Lovitz? His character comically lied about literally everything. If his shirt was white, he’d say it was blue…he simply couldn’t help himself. What made his act so funny was that he overplayed something that goes on everyday in the lives of many people…they lie. Why do people lie? It’s fear.
We try to protect ourselves from ridicule and or we fear we are not valued enough and seek the approval of others. To whatever extent our self esteem has ever been damaged, we lie more or less often. When asked why we are late, we’ll create a feasible sounding excuse, even if we simply ran out of time. We’ll turn down an invitation citing an important conflict when we are merely tired or have no interest in the affair. We’ll even stretch the weatherman’s forecast from 76° to 80° to please others as the bearer of good news. It gets crazy sometimes, doesn’t it?
However, rather than improve self image, we diminish it with every lie. In addition to the damaging chemicals our body produces that lie detectors register, lying “cuts” us emotionally. Unless we are sociopaths, our conscience causes our self esteem to take a hit as it senses our weakness in telling a lie, each and every one, and for most folks it’s the mental equivalent of the “Death of a Thousand Cuts”.
Let me share a personal experience. 20 years ago, I became painfully aware of this condition. I decided I’d go one full day and tell no lies. Sounded easy. I didn’t make it. I kept trying. After a few days I finally made it through a whole day, then two, then a week and then lied no more. The first thing I discovered was I eliminated that pang in the pit of my stomach I was carring around. More importantly, I realized lying wasn’t getting me any more approval; other people didn’t care. They had enough on their own plates. My ego needs weren’t that important to them. Guess what? The world did not revolve around me! Go figure.
However three wonderful things did happen. First, I discovered that I had been proverbially set free by the truth. I had no idea the amount of energy it took and the constant fear that was in place trying to remember what I did and didn’t say. You can always remember the truth with no effort because it actually happened. Remembering lies takes a mountain of effort. Second, I felt this new power building in me; I had gained control of my life. It was ME that decided how valuable I was. I no longer abrogated that to others. Finally over time, this new way of dealing with life actually drew more people to me who asked my opinion and wanted to know my thoughts. I realized I’d become that person whom I had always admired because I knew he or she could be relied on to always tell me the truth. I had found a new Power and Strength I’d never experienced before.
Am I a perfect non-liar? NO, but I can count the times I lie in a year on one hand. There were times in my past when both hands weren’t enough for one day. Once you’ve tasted this power, you never want to give it up!
Try the one day – no lying- experiment…it’s quite revealing!
As we explore new ways to become more effective Human Beings, please consider these thoughts as you comment.
- Do you see where you may tell numerous little lies all day that eat you up bit by bit?
- Can you imagine the Power of always telling the Truth?
- Can you see where the desire to always tell the truth would lead to affecting your actions so as not to put you into a situation where you even feel tempted to lie…the need to tell the truth leading to modified better behavior?
I totally agree with all you said about lying. I have been close to people who are big liars and have lost all respect for them. There is no need or excuse for lying so set yourself free by being true to yourself and to others. The tinest lies cut into your soul.
Hey I found your site on Twitter….
It’s amazing how many times people lie in the course of a day. Most people don’t even realize how many times in a day they lie. Lies like “the check is in the mail”, “I already did that”, “he is out to lunch”, “I have plans”. Some people lie so much they don’t even realize they are lying.
Lying in some cases does make your life easier but overall it makes your life a whole lot more complicated
Hey Fishman,
You got the point!! And what I’m hoping will get through is how being on the other side of that, telling the truth, gives you a great sense of personal power…the difference between feeling queasy on the one hand and strong on the other. Thanks for your comment.
There is all different kinds of lying. I think lying can become habitual and can become problematic to the individual’s self esteem as stated. I also think lying has a huge cost to our society on a political and economic level. It becomes a question of ethics. Lying, cheating, and white collar crime doesn’t take anyone by surprise anymore from our political leaders.
Our supposed sports role models lie under oath about steroid use and send a message about ethics to our youth. It seems like values have skipped a generation. How can we get them back? Some blame it on parents not having enough time to spend with their children while both work multiple jobs to make ends meet. But I think it might me more than that, it could be we have settled for less than what we as a people deserve. I do believe it needs to start with the individual from the bottom up.
As for going through a day without lying, its easier for me on the weekends than it is at work. Sometimes not telling the entire truth spares my students and co-workers grief, and probably keeps things simpler for myself. I’m going to participate in the no lying experiment at work and see if the Earth’s axis remains unchanged.
Hey ZooTeacher,
As the Internet expression goes I’m LOL!!! I know there are people who believe that if they went a whole day without lying the earth’s axis would “tilt”.
I should qualify my message here in that refraining from saying something that might be true unless the situation requires an honest response can be just fine. We don’t have to walk up to someone just to tell them they are obese…unless they ask of course. And I know from raising my children and doing a good deal of kids’ sport coaching that leading in a positive direction accomplishes more than first being brutally honest about someone’s shortcomings. But I’ve found that in virtually every encounter with others it is possible to offer truth and respond truthfully without undue harm to yourself or others.
As to your experiment at work, I somehow know this exercise will go a lot easier for you than most.
I like this subject because I have seen this years ago in business as well as in people I worked with over the years. I told my share of little lies as a child, I was an only child and I had to be good at lying in order to get away with anything because my parents were not stupid. And I had no brothers or sisters to blame anything on. The thing of it was, or why I told lies to begin with, it saved me getting yelled at on the other end of an angry parent, my father. Today he would be referred to taking anger management classes. But for many years I felt as though I could do no right, everything was always wrong, even today I have the same feelings. And when telling the truth got me into trouble no matter if it was something worth yelling about or not if it did not agree with what the other person would say themselves as the answer, I was brought up on it and drilled. I found this same kind of situation with older males in just about every place I worked, and then they just happen to be above me where I had no choice but to take it or quit my job. That is just my situation. Many other people do not have that as their excuse, and their situations are numerous I would assume according to the person, their personality, and situations. Some may have been persuaded by watching celebrities and how important people are viewed in our society. Most people like a little bit of respect and feeling worth something. Some times, although not right, people build themselves up to get the attention and affection of others. Maybe they did not get enough attention as a child? I learned to have a low profile not to attract attention. One thing is for sure, not everyone can fall into one category. I noticed lying the most when businesses were allowed to get away with deceptive advertising and marketing years ago. False claims are made as long as their is small print some where. I used to be in internet marketing, you see this a lot there. After learning some of the tricks of the trade, hypnotic writing, about psychology and triggers, you start to see more and more lies every where, not just on a level of the average Joe. As always, there are several different reasons to why people lie rather than tell the truth. But most of it is in our acceptance to allow large cooperation to lie to use daily in advertising, politician’s, and allow what used to be considered false advertising and wrong, as just the way it is. If we told the truth more often, or all of the time people would get a long better because they would really know where the other person is coming from, and not saying what they might think someone else wants to hear. The truth is not always pleasant, but then there is no guessing and bad feelings of deception.
Amen to that mjhoman. In the end lying is based in fear…fear of punishment, fear of not being appreciated, fear of not selling the product and on and on. In the article I refer to the amount by which our individual self esteem has been damaged is directly proportionate to how much we lie. Lying as kids was most often not a purposeful choice to “do the wrong” as it was a learned method of survival. The more dire our circumstances, as you described yours, the more lying was employed to avoid physical and worse, mental pain.
As adults and at a point where we are able to take control over our lives, gives us the opportunity to release ourselves from the developed habit of lying…our reliance on it as a tool of social interaction. You expertly point to how truth eliminates, “bad feelings of deception” and also at the same time gives you a rush of personal power. The absolute loss of control over ourselves that we felt as kids is finally ours to enjoy. Hey mjhoman, thanks for the honesty and sharing your personal experience.
I have experienced this issue myself. I had an ex-wife who was a chronic liar and it actually was a theme throughout her family. At first it was easy to say that youth was the excuse but many years later it proved to be more of a way of communicating on a daily basis throughout her life and even now that she is about 40 years old. I spoke with her sister a couple years ago and asked where my ex-wife was living. She said “Seattle with 3 kids” while at that exact moment I was looking at information that stated Maryland with 1 kid. Later I actually spoke with 3rd party connections who were lying for her. My point is that liars will not only lie but they will encourage others to lie for them as well. It really is a sickness if you think about it.
I personally realized when I was a young teenager that lying only made a person look foolish because the truth always comes out in the end and then its the liar who is distrusted by everybody around them. Once people know you lie to some people, they assume you lie to them also and people avoid you. Lying doesn’t pay off on any level and is really a symptom of a more deeper problem in a persons personality. I mean lets face it…there is only one truth.
Even many religions recognize this. Who remembers the story of Jesus on the cross? Who were the two others being punished with him…a liar and a thief. Enough said.
zarriello,
You bring up an excellent point in terms of the extent some people will go to support their lie(s) by recruiting others to help. In my earlier comments I pointed to a person’s need to bolster their self esteem, using lies as a method…only to cause themselves more harm than good in both the short and long run.
You also point to another, broader form of lying that involves families that abet each other in lies, I believe, because they expect that their lies will somehow protect them from how the world may make judgments about them. For many, there exists a palpable family pride as well as shame. Unfortunately, rather than face the truth about any one person’s actions that may affect the perceptions that others may have about the family, they make it worse by trying to hide them with lies that ultimately makes everyone look worse. In fact, it is often the lying that does more damage to their reputation than the original offending act ever would have.
In my own circumstances, I have found it extremely freeing to simply accept what I or any of my family members do as what they are. Trying to cover them up or lie about the realities, not only causes literal physical damage to the body,(negative internal chemical reactions) but results in a continuous form of harm as the truth eventually trickles out. I agree, there is only one truth in every circumstance. Accepting its reality and avoiding straying from it reduces its power over us and our families and as the saying goes…sets us free.